Treatment Draft 1

Treatment

FEEDBACK

After presenting out first draft of our treatment to our class we got feedback on all the areas we needed to improve on and all the areas we were strong in.

The questions our peers wanted answers to were the following:
- How would we portray the crash?
The way in which we would portray the car crash would be to show Kieran having flashbacks. The different aspects of the car crash would be shown in three different flashbacks. The first flashback would be of Kieran and his mother putting their seat belts on in the car. The second flashback would be an extreme close up of the tyres on the road as the car is moving (this would be shown in slow motion as an image-to-image shot). The third flashback would be of Kieran having a mental block while the audience hear the non-diagetic sound of the cars crashing into each other. This way we get our point across to the audience without having to the issue of how to produce a fake car crash.


- Do we not think this is too much to fit into a short film?
Everything we included in our treatment was a back story to the character in order to build up his character profile. It was also to tell the audience a bit more about the situation our character was facing. We were therefore not going to show everything in our film we were only going to show the essential parts in order to get our story across to the audience.


- Why were the school kids picking on him? Don't you think they should have been pitying him?


- Why does Kieran go back to school? should he not be going to a school in which he can get addition help?


- What happens to Jane at the end of the story?
She is left heartbroken due to her son not being able to deal with the blindness.


- What is the actual story? What is the change that he faces?
Our group realised that the end of our story was not sufficient enough so we had to re-think our idea.


- What was the purpose of Chloe? Maybe involve her more in the story?
To build Kieran's character profile.


Additional comments our class gave us:


- There needs to be a clear change at the end of the story.
- Maybe put the blindness at the beginning of the story instead of introducing it to the audience.
- Too much of a background story.
- If your using a school location, more actors need to play the role of the children otherwise the realism is broken.
- Maybe go against what the doctors have said about him never being able to see again?
- Character has to have an outer presence.
- Character has to have an inner presence.
- Good story line.
- Why would we choose to use the story idea as a guy going for a girl? its normally the other way round.
- Instead we did a girl going for the boy
- what’s the story matter?
- what’s the journey? girl giving up all her pride and thoughts to follow her heart
- How would we show everything in the space of 5min
- Is it comical?
- Is it typical? Rise out of the ordinary, be creative, don’t revisit the same old film ideas.
- Have you thought out practicalities?